Namaste

                Before I left for India, I sat in this very Starbucks and posed the question of how will India change me? I wondered if I’d even come home after the six weeks, if I’d come home with an orphan on my hip, or if I would be changed forever…

                As I sit here with a fading henna tattoo on my right hand, my clothes from India finally laundered, with my legs finally shaved, and with my thoughts and experiences as I write my last India blog- I realize that my India road drenched in sparkle dust has taught me life lessons. Part of me feels glad to be home around cleanliness and a devoid of suffering. The other part of me feels lacking because I accidentally left part of my heart in Dharamsala. So, I have this feeling of incompleteness that follows all my thoughts and footsteps but is balanced out by the piece of my heart that beats joyously in Dhramsala, the town in the clouds that is cuddled up against the beautiful Himalayas.

                A life lesson that I realize now that I really needed to learn concerns the healthy balancing of walls one builds around one’s self. I have been slowly learning this over the past year but India rapidly accelerated the process. We human’s do need some walls to avoid being overwhelmingly empathetic. If we are bearing everyone’s pain we cannot effectively help or do much to trigger social change. However, the barricades that I once built around myself are not necessary or healthy. I spent years and a massive amount of energy trying to block out the world’s pain and trying to not let people too close to me in order to not feel the icky emotions that accompany our lovely and well-rounded human experience. This resulted in a numbness that I will never let myself feel again. So, I now have walls of mesh around me. My mesh walls have chain that keep me from feeling the entire planet’s suffering and holes that let the world in. India taught me to trust the dark paths and dark feelings because they always will get me back to the sparkle dust and after all, sparkle dust is so much shinier in the dark.

                Another wonderful gift I’ve gotten from India is my overwhelming sense of gratitude for the things and people I have. I will never take clean streets, driving laws, child labor laws, air conditioning, or my material possessions for granted again. In fact, the suffering and lack of necessities that I witnessed in a massive amount of people has given me a bit of a guilty conscience that will hopefully keep me in check and prevent me from being frivolous or wasteful again. I really am quite wealthy.

                I certainly now relish in the value of simplicity now more than ever. Being around so many monks who are always content within themselves and without external stimuli was rewarding. Being around earth dwellers that were happy yet had so little was very fulfilling. The Dalai Lama says that material possessions only ever provide temporary happiness because after they are acquired people get anxiety about being dispossessed of them. I’m not sure how long lasting it is, but, I have a desire to have as little “stuff” around me as possible. The pieces of life that matter are so very simple: human relationships, nature, practicing compassion, clean water, healthy food, and a love for oneself. These things are free(except food) and abundant in our country which means that trips to the store and mall should be rare. The contemplation of how I will show love to the world today is an easier goal to fulfill than contemplating how I will get ahead in my career or save up for an expensive car and house.

                India brushed my hair out of my eyes and showed me that I am “home” no matter my positioning on the globe.  I have everything I could ever need within myself. My mind is home to all of my memories, all of my contentment, and the ability to get me anything that I need. My body shelters this mind that I value so much and by body takes good care of me. Fortunately my mind and body are the only things I ever need and they follow me wherever I go making being at home  a beautiful constant.

                I’ve learned how to be more comfortable with raw expression and openness. I had decided to be more of an unguarded and real Kristen on my trip, just for the hell of it, just to see how it felt and I loved it. The emotion and vulnerability that accompanies rawness were not as scary as I had anticipated. In fact, it probably opened me up to a more sparkly experience. It helped me validate to myself just how beautiful life becomes when life is just about following the sparkle dust. The sparkle dust is the only thing that can be trusted; it knows about secret paths and has access to the roads to the most beautiful life experiences.

                India reinforced what a constant balancing act the world is. In my six weeks in India I saw the darkest and the lightest parts of the world that I had seen in all of my 26 years as an earth dweller so far. I can’t unsee the suffering I saw and even though it affects my sleep, I still don’t want to unsee it. I’m sure I’ll keep my newfound darkness with me forever and it is okay. I’ll rummage across this darkness in the back of my mind like I rummage across things I forgot I had in the bottom of my purse. Both are things that I forgot I had yet had with me all the time. With that said, I’ll also carry with me in a place nested safe within the part of my mind where my favorite memories and love are stored, how much sparkliness India showed me and then bestowed upon me. My favorite sparkly addition- my new and lifelong friend, Dhondulp, who is also a vessel to help me further my Buddhist philosophy education.

                Lastly, and I don’t know if or how long this one will last, India has shown me a necessary shedding of vanity. I went six weeks without wearing makeup, drying my hair, or shaving much and it was so lovely. I found out how refreshing it is to talk to people who want to hear what you have to say, who are not analyzing what you’re wearing or how you look. Though I’ve dried my hair since I’ve been home, I haven’t worn much make up or given thought to my clothes like I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to look like a frumpy slouch, I just prefer souls to connect, not pretty faces.

                So, here I am, so much learned yet back to square one. I feel like I’m back in America with a clean slate and that the road that I’ve been on since the day I was born has taken a much needed sharp turn to the left. I’ll find a new job and a place to live. Most importantly though, I’m approaching life with a more well-rounded perspective than I had before going to India. I will see to it that my life is filled with more creativity, I will practice more compassion, I will relish in the simplicities of my life, and I will continue to open my mind through knowledge and truth about the world around me.